Today the sky and the pavement were exactly the same colour. I was walking up a hill and the point between the top of the street and the sky was far too indistinguishable for my tastes. I looked around at all the concrete and pavement around me and suddenly felt clausterphobic. It seemed as though I was living in a box, and anything that wasn't that terrible grey was painted on the side of the box.
Every once in a while, I get the overwhelming urge to flee the city and find a nice quiet place in the woods, where I can raise goats and chickens and lead a life of solitude. At least there, when it's cloudy, the trees are still green and my chickens are still white. Of course, then I think about the modern conveniences to which I am accustomed, and I tuck that hippie crap into the back of my mind.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Christmas?
I suppose we have all realized that it's Christmas time once again.
I will avoid a rampage on consumerism and greed because it would be hypocritical. The truth is, I like stuff. I like getting stuff and I like giving stuff. I like opening stuff, and then forgetting I have it, then finding it again around March, and then being surprised again.
HOWEVER, I think that Christmas should come with a few ground rules, to help ease the stress. After all, it's supposed to be a happy-get-together-love-everyone-relaxing-vacation time. But it's not. So, here are my proposed rules.
1. No one should have to purchase more than 6 gifts. If you have more than 6 important people in your life, well the rest of them get screwed. And aren't you popular...
2. If your neighbours put up an astonishing amount of lights, which
a) keep you up at night because they are on some sort of patterned flashing relay or
b) make you feel stupid for your "classic" one strand of blue/red/green/yellow lights
you should get to take anything you like from their house and add it to yours, until you have an equally festive house. That way, they won't be so overdone, and you get to stick it to them a little bit for trying to show up everyone else. But don't take the inflatable snowman. He scares me.
3. No one should have to bake anything ever. Who started this? All of a sudden, I'm supposed to know how to make shortbread? AND I'm expected to do it? Why does this holiday have so much more baking than any other occasion? I'm not talking about cooking. The turkey and stuffing can stay because most big holidays have a meal. I'm talking about the 17 kinds of traditional cookies/bars/squares/tarts that are expected. What is mincemeat? It tastes like afterbarf. With raisins.
4. Wrapping paper should be outlawed and permanently replaced with the gift bag.
5. We shouldn't be obligated to have a special Christmas get together with every single person we know, especially if we ignore them for most of the year. Like that "friend" from high school that for some reason gets you a Christmas gift every year, and calls you around December 17th and says "Hey!! We should get together!! I have your Christmas gift and really want to see you!" Then you have to go and get them something, even though you don't know them very well anymore. So you get them chocolates. And sit through an evening of reminiscing about the worst years of your life.
6. People whose birthdays are within the week of Christmas should get to choose their own birthday. Because I'm pretty sure they always get screwed. That's not really stressful for the rest of us, but it's disappointing for them.
7. Bowling should become the traditional activity of Christmas Day, so you don't have to sit around the house with nothing to do between opening gifts and eating turkey. That lull is a killer because you've caught up with everyone there and are out of things to say to each other. And you feel bad about it.
8. Everyone should publish a list of gifts they want so no one has to guess, and no one receives bad gifts. Everyone registers for their weddings, why not Christmas? Then no one would have to go "Ohhhhh woooow..... look at that....." when they open something stupid.
9. Visa should give us a two month grace period, from the beginning of December to the end of January, with no interest.
I don't think anyone can live up to the expectations of Christmas. It seems so great when you're 8 years old and you get to stay in your pyjamas until dinner. But I've found as I've gotten older that it's become way more of a source of stress than it is a source of awesome. It's not that I don't like seeing my family, it's just that for some reason, I'm supposed to be happier about it than when I see them in April. It makes me poor, stressed out and slightly fatter. I'm enough of all of those things, thank you very much.
I will avoid a rampage on consumerism and greed because it would be hypocritical. The truth is, I like stuff. I like getting stuff and I like giving stuff. I like opening stuff, and then forgetting I have it, then finding it again around March, and then being surprised again.
HOWEVER, I think that Christmas should come with a few ground rules, to help ease the stress. After all, it's supposed to be a happy-get-together-love-everyone-relaxing-vacation time. But it's not. So, here are my proposed rules.
1. No one should have to purchase more than 6 gifts. If you have more than 6 important people in your life, well the rest of them get screwed. And aren't you popular...
2. If your neighbours put up an astonishing amount of lights, which
a) keep you up at night because they are on some sort of patterned flashing relay or
b) make you feel stupid for your "classic" one strand of blue/red/green/yellow lights
you should get to take anything you like from their house and add it to yours, until you have an equally festive house. That way, they won't be so overdone, and you get to stick it to them a little bit for trying to show up everyone else. But don't take the inflatable snowman. He scares me.
3. No one should have to bake anything ever. Who started this? All of a sudden, I'm supposed to know how to make shortbread? AND I'm expected to do it? Why does this holiday have so much more baking than any other occasion? I'm not talking about cooking. The turkey and stuffing can stay because most big holidays have a meal. I'm talking about the 17 kinds of traditional cookies/bars/squares/tarts that are expected. What is mincemeat? It tastes like afterbarf. With raisins.
4. Wrapping paper should be outlawed and permanently replaced with the gift bag.
5. We shouldn't be obligated to have a special Christmas get together with every single person we know, especially if we ignore them for most of the year. Like that "friend" from high school that for some reason gets you a Christmas gift every year, and calls you around December 17th and says "Hey!! We should get together!! I have your Christmas gift and really want to see you!" Then you have to go and get them something, even though you don't know them very well anymore. So you get them chocolates. And sit through an evening of reminiscing about the worst years of your life.
6. People whose birthdays are within the week of Christmas should get to choose their own birthday. Because I'm pretty sure they always get screwed. That's not really stressful for the rest of us, but it's disappointing for them.
7. Bowling should become the traditional activity of Christmas Day, so you don't have to sit around the house with nothing to do between opening gifts and eating turkey. That lull is a killer because you've caught up with everyone there and are out of things to say to each other. And you feel bad about it.
8. Everyone should publish a list of gifts they want so no one has to guess, and no one receives bad gifts. Everyone registers for their weddings, why not Christmas? Then no one would have to go "Ohhhhh woooow..... look at that....." when they open something stupid.
9. Visa should give us a two month grace period, from the beginning of December to the end of January, with no interest.
I don't think anyone can live up to the expectations of Christmas. It seems so great when you're 8 years old and you get to stay in your pyjamas until dinner. But I've found as I've gotten older that it's become way more of a source of stress than it is a source of awesome. It's not that I don't like seeing my family, it's just that for some reason, I'm supposed to be happier about it than when I see them in April. It makes me poor, stressed out and slightly fatter. I'm enough of all of those things, thank you very much.
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